Saturday, August 19, 2023

you’re on your own, kid.

 it’s been several weeks since i cut off my parents. 


i wish i could say it’s been easy.


i miss speaking with them. sharing with them the cool things happening in my life, in my fiancée’s life, in our daughter’s life.


i’ve missed their birthdays. 


i surround myself with the love of my fiancée, the love of my daughter, of her family and my friends. it heals the pain somewhat.


i broke my no contact with my parents. 


not for fun. not to run back. no. simply to ask that they allow a sibling to watch over our pets while we vacation in a few months. it was a professional email, outlining responsibilities, remaining polite, in spite of their rudeness.


their response in front of that sibling?


my mother laughed. not much i can say there. 


my father, the one i hoped for reconciliation the most, the one who i missed the most; he called it “the stupidest thing he’s ever read.”


his response to me, over email? “it’s nice to hear from you and I pray your family is doing well.”


this is why we can’t have nice things.


now i wonder.


how long did it take for them to mock me behind my back? how long have they been doing it? have i always been made fun of by them, have they always talked bad about me? how long ago did they stop considering me their son?


the worse part about it is that god help me, a small part of me wants my dad back in my life. i don’t ever know if i can ever forgive my mother. i don’t ever want my daughter to be alone with that woman.


but my dad, man. he was the one who got me into comics and superheroes, one of the things i love most in this world besides my fiancée and my daughter. i’ll never forget my father being such a calm man growing up. he was the pinnacle of fatherhood to me, someone whose calm demeanor i wanted to emulate with my daughter.


now those memories are tainted. 


and i will never get those back. 


part of me still holds out hope for him. that maybe one day, he and i will see each other again. have a stupid joking conversation about the three stooges, or about the green arrow, or get to show him how my daughter finally said “da da” today. 


but i will not run to him first. he will need to repair the bridge first. and show he has changed. 


only then can he be trusted.


until then…


“you’re on your own, kid.”


~nate

Friday, July 7, 2023

coda.

 coda: a concluding event, remark, or section.


we began anew.


as you know, i went no contact with my parents on july fourth. i will not lie. it has been the absolute hardest thing to not run to unblock them. to not try and run back, accept what they say is true. how could a child abandon their parents first? 


no. i will not break. i will not bow.


we went to my mother-in-law’s home the next day for a cookout to celebrate july fourth. while there, it hit me. 


i’m never going to get to celebrate my mother’s birthday with her again. 

i'll never get to sing her a happy birthday, or buy her a gift, or tell her how happy I was to have her in my life.


it continued to hit me. dad’s birthday. their anniversary. thanksgiving. christmas. new year’s. my birthday. my daughter’s birthday.


no more celebrating. 


but then i remembered.


i remembered how my mother-in-law accepted me as part of the family from day one.


i remember how there was no judgment when i began dating my fiancée. 


how much her family loved me, and how little my parents loved her.


my siblings? what an amazing support system. consistently there for me. consistently there for us. 


i smiled.


what an absolute coda to a painful saga.


how amazing to end a painful parental relationship on the date of independence. how appropriate that life moved forward on the birthdate of one who caused the most pain. 


my mother. perfect, can do no wrong. in her eyes. 


one day maybe a new saga will begin anew. one in which my parents will see the sins they’ve committed. one in which they apologize profusely. one in which forgiveness and kindness reign, just a little while longer. 


but for now, as the spider-man said,


nah, imma do my own thing.


~nate 


Tuesday, July 4, 2023

abyssinia.

 Abyssinia: slang from the 1920s-1930s for goodbye


hello there.


usually i’d make a return post to this blog. something upbeat, like “Hi! Everything is going well! Catch you all later!” and then go missing for three years. 


this blog’s not gonna be one of those. this is really a serious post. if you’re seeing this, you got linked by my facebook post, so you were meant to see this, more so because you’re either family or mutual friends.


today i officially cut off contact from my mother and father. i have a litany of reasons why i made this decision. some stemming from my parents’ mistreatment of my fiancée, the mother of my daughter, the love of my life. others coming from decisions and statements they’ve made. i won’t go into too much, simply because i know in my head and in my heart that this post will eventually make it to my parents somehow. the grapevine grows and twists ever slowly, you see, and i will not give them any reason to come down on others. i also know this will be taken as proof to them that they were right. that i am but a petulant child, complaining about how easy i had it when i was growing up. i promise you this is not the case and that i had given them chance after chance to converse and to fix where our relationship as parents and child fractured. i cannot be responsible for those who cannot be open and understanding. 


instead, i want to grieve. 


i grieve for my daughter and future children, who will never fully know my parents. sure, they met in the hospital, and my daughter has met my father once afterwards. but they’ll never know the good side of the parents i had growing up. 


they’ll never know the kind heart of my father, slow to anger, slow to judge, who taught me how to be a gentle and good man in a world full of andrew tates and donald trumps. a man who showed me wonders and marvels and flourished a love for the art of the comics at a young age. a man who i was proud to call dad.


they’ll never know my mother, my mother who survived the loss of her father. my mother who gave me life and taught me when she could have  

very well sent me off to public school. my mother who eschewed the love of a god and his son. my mother who took the kind courtesy of sending my fiancee flowers when she found out we were having a baby.


but.


they’ll never know my father, who judged me, judged their mother. they’ll never know the man who made jokes at my expense, never apologizing. they’ll never know my father, the man who, in the end, turned down a chance to make things right and know them. the father who decided a baby shower was less important than a play.


they’ll never know my mother, a self-righteous woman who judged my fiancée from day one. the mother who makes horrible statements about races and communities i care about. the mother who told me directly that she “hates that pronouns crap”. the mother that came to a shower celebrating her family and the soon-to-arrive granddaughter and yet didn’t participate, only making her distain for being there known. 


my daughter will never fully know the people who raised me to be who i am, both the good that i saw growing up, and the bad i see now.


i grieve for the memories and interactions they would have had. getting to go to grandma and grandpa billings’ house, like my siblings and i got to travel to my great-grandparents’ house in indiana. getting to know my parents and getting to see their love for my daughter and for those children that may or may not be. 


i grieve for the happy family we once were. 


on some small level, i still love my parents. I love the memories i have of them and of growing up having them lead me. but i cannot love what they have become. how they have treated my fiancée. how they have treated me. i have to protect my family. i have to protect them. I have to protect my peace. I have said what i have wanted to say. i will say no more.


we will never see eye-to-eye on anything. I am sure i have never been a perfect son. i am sure i have done wrong. i’m sure there is something they use to justify their actions. i take responsibility for my wrong doings, and for that i apologize. but i will not apologize for loving and protecting my family. i will not.


abyssinia; i first saw this word because of a show my parents loved that they passed down to me. it means “goodbye”; if you pronounce it ab-ee-SIN-ee-ah, it’s like saying “i’ll be seeing you”. 


abyssinia, mother.


abyssinia, father. 


“what is love, but grief perservering?” ~vision, wandavision


~nate


p.s.: please do not harass my parents. they will more than likely ignore this, and i know the level of harassment on this will be low but please don’t add any more fuel to the fire they’re throwing on me. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Face Your Fears; or How I Learned to Love 2020

    Howdy, folks.

    Welcome back to my relative corner of the universe, where I don't update this as much as I probably should. Actually, I've been that way for social media for most of the past couple of years; while I'm more active on Reddit, TikTok, Twitter, and Snapchat, my Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, and LinkedIn stay relatively quiet, aside from the random "pissing-off-my-conservative/Trumper-friends-and-family" posts. But that's also what's helped me survive a lot of my 2020. 

    Let's be honest: 2020 sucked. It sucked at the beginning of the year, when we (meaning the collective world) didn't prepare enough for a small little virus coming out of the Wuhan province to when one of the world's greatest athletes passed away in an accident that was preventable. It sucked in the middle of the year, as we all had to adapt to new social changes in the wake of the virus that grew to kill more than 300,000 Americans at a time, to the righteous rage of those following the tragic and senseless death of George Floyd by Derek Chauvin and the three other officers, along with the death of Breonna Taylor, whose senseless murder still lacks proper justice, as does Mr. Floyd's. It sucked during autumn, when people began fights over supposed "voter fraud" and we lost beloved celebrities, especially the one and only Chadwick Boseman (wakanda forever <3). And it sucked at the conclusion, where the President refuses to concede to his loss, we still lose people no matter what, and the world readies to embrace a new year. 

    You know what? I can't complain too much. Certainly the year has sucked. But there have been five major things in my life that has made my life so much better: 

    1) I got engaged to the love of my life, my forever, Maggie, and it couldn't have been better. 

    2) Maggie and I moved in together, our first time, and while things haven't gone smoothly, it's a learning experience that we can take with us. 

    3) I graduated from the University of Montevallo, with a Bachelor's in History w/ a Minor in Business. While I may not have graduated with any real top honors, I proved myself worthy of a degree. 

    4) I changed jobs into a new career that I really enjoy, and I'm learning new skills everyday.

    5) I got a new car, a 2020 Ford EcoSport SE! It holds all my work equipment and I get good mileage. 

    There are many things to be grateful for; but for real, I'm just wanting 2021 to be a better year for everyone; hopefully it will be. The vaccines for COVID-19 are being distributed. We have a new President and hopefully if we gain control of the Senate, then we can actually enact real change. And for my personal life, I'm looking into new things and new experiences. You only turn 24 once, so let's see what's gonna happen. 

    Fair winds and following seas,

    Nathaniel

Friday, August 14, 2020

Life Changes

Hello, world! 

It's obviously been a while and although no one reads this, I find it nice to word vomit on this every now and then, maybe as a form of therapy? Reflection maybe? I don't know, but I enjoy all of these. 

Maggie and I moved out of our parents' houses July 3, and it's been a learning experience for us, along with our roommates. It's been fun though, getting to encounter new situations. Some of those have been frustrating only for the reason of dealing with our new apartment complex and issues with that, like our air conditioning unit not working, but as long as I'm with Maggie, I'm as happy as can be. 

I'm also finally leaving McDonald's for a new job with Vivint. While I feel somewhat sad leaving McDonald's, I'm more relaxed and ready for the future, so I'm ready for the rest of the world to reveal itself, and I'm excited for the journey. 

After graduation, I really didn't have a clue about what I wanted to do except for marrying Maggie and spending the rest of our lives together. But now my world is looking up, and I can't complain. Sunshine's finally heading our way. 

Fair winds and following seas, 

Nathaniel

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Oh, Hey Again

Oh hey, it's Blogger.

I haven't used this in a while. 

I guess I gotta update this. 

So, what's happened to me since my last post? 

I became a senior at the University of Montevallo. That's a shocking fact. It's been...inspiring, to say the least. I've been looking back on the past four years; the mistakes I've made, the friends I've made and lost... I've been through a lot. And I've honestly got regrets. 

Why did I do this? Could I have saved that friendship? 

Those types of questions haunt my mind sometimes. But realistically? For as many regrets I've had, I've got a lot more successes. I've got friends that would have my back. I've made connections and found an idea of my future ahead of me. I've defined my beliefs, some of which don't correlate with my previous positions on this blog. I'll get into that later. But college has been the best experience for me, and I'll be sad to see it go in May. 

What else...

Oh!

I found my person. Her name is Maggie. We met while working at McDonald's (yes, I still work there), and she's been my girlfriend for a month. We've got a lot to go, but for now, I'm taking my time and enjoying her light in my life. 

I guess that's it? 

I don't know if this is being read anywhere. Maybe it's not. Maybe it is. But I'll try to get back on the blogging train. If you're interested again, welcome back. Just reading for the first time? Welcome! Hopefully I'll be back on track. 

Fair winds and following seas, 

Nathaniel

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

legacies

legacies. 

what are legacies?

lin-manuel miranda described it in hamilton as "it's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see." 

well, my papaw left a legacy. my papaw was a great man. God-fearing and honest. a man who would tell you how it is. a democrat in Indiana. papaw was a good man. 

i'm still reeling. 

unable to cry. unable to break down. i don't cry much.  i cried when i broke down to my friends. but yet i haven't cried about my papaw yet. i don't know why. 

maybe its because i haven't coped with it. maybe if i go to their house later, ill expect to see him. 

see him in that big old recliner, tv louder than normal, changed to the hunting channel. or maybe at his dining room table, drinking his coffee in a dinky little cup. 

i miss you, papaw. enjoy heaven. you're more than virtually alright. 

always forward, 

nate