onwards.

hey.

so it's been a while. a long time. 

I want to tell a story. the story ive been dealing with for the past few months.

so there was this girl. a girl that I fell for hard. her name was jaysea. things were good and pure starting out, us being friends. then things developed. by spring break she knew I liked her in that way. there was hope, there was light.

then came the rest of spring. she became cold, distant. and I worried. but I persisted with life. life must go on, right? I pushed the fear and worry down.

then came the day she left me behind without saying goodbye. and I cried. for maybe the first time in a long time, I cried.

summer rolled around and I continued to worry. she never responded to texts. it began to creep into my mind that it was my fault. and so that became a burden on my mind that sent me careening downhill. and I kept in inside. because my friends were struggling a lot more than I was. depression, anxiety...these things were worse than a broken heart so why not try and smile for them? 

it didn't help.

this past sunday, I was at work. I broke down. work, the stress and worry, dealing with personal issues unrelated to family. it all just came out and I burst out in a group chat. I broke down.

I stayed away from my friends. didn't want to burden them. so I hid away. away from everything. blocked out the noise and realized I was alone.

yesterday, I finally talked. talked to my friends. and they helped me.

being okay isn't mandatory. its cliche but its okay to not be okay.

this isn't anything related to religion either. I still believe and love God. this was a case of me holding it in because I didn't want to worry anyone. 

talk to people. don't be afraid to let things go. its a thing I'm struggling to do myself. but don't do what I did and hold it in. you only open yourself to worse things.

so where am I? moving forward, letting go. with the help of friends and God. 

but never afraid to love. 

always forward,

nate