you’re on your own, kid.

 it’s been several weeks since i cut off my parents. 

i wish i could say it’s been easy.

i miss speaking with them. sharing with them the cool things happening in my life, in my fiancée’s life, in our daughter’s life.

i’ve missed their birthdays. 

i surround myself with the love of my fiancée, the love of my daughter, of her family and my friends. it heals the pain somewhat.

i broke my no contact with my parents. 

not for fun. not to run back. no. simply to ask that they allow a sibling to watch over our pets while we vacation in a few months. it was a professional email, outlining responsibilities, remaining polite, in spite of their rudeness.

their response in front of that sibling?

my mother laughed. not much i can say there. 

my father, the one i hoped for reconciliation the most, the one who i missed the most; he called it “the stupidest thing he’s ever read.”

his response to me, over email? “it’s nice to hear from you and I pray your family is doing well.”

this is why we can’t have nice things.

now i wonder.

how long did it take for them to mock me behind my back? how long have they been doing it? have i always been made fun of by them, have they always talked bad about me? how long ago did they stop considering me their son?

the worse part about it is that god help me, a small part of me wants my dad back in my life. i don’t ever know if i can ever forgive my mother. i don’t ever want my daughter to be alone with that woman.

but my dad, man. he was the one who got me into comics and superheroes, one of the things i love most in this world besides my fiancée and my daughter. i’ll never forget my father being such a calm man growing up. he was the pinnacle of fatherhood to me, someone whose calm demeanor i wanted to emulate with my daughter.

now those memories are tainted. 

and i will never get those back. 

part of me still holds out hope for him. that maybe one day, he and i will see each other again. have a stupid joking conversation about the three stooges, or about the green arrow, or get to show him how my daughter finally said “da da” today. 

but i will not run to him first. he will need to repair the bridge first. and show he has changed. 

only then can he be trusted.

until then…

“you’re on your own, kid.”

~nate